Lauren Mackler’s Live Boldly Blog

Posted by Lauren - 03/08/10 at 10:03:10 am

We’re living through challenging times. But inherent in nearly all challenges are opportunities for renewal and transformation. The current economic crisis offers the chance to re-evaluate how you live your life, to be more mindful and strategic about how you spend money, and to take stock of your values and priorities. Corporate lay-offs can provide the opportunity to find a more meaningful job, transition into a new career, or pursue the dream of starting your own business.

How you respond to crises has a lot to do with the lens through which you habitually perceive the world. If you tend to see the world through a “gloom and doom” lens, you may be reacting to current events with feelings of fear, anxiety, or a sense of despair or powerlessness. And even if you tend to view things through the lens of optimism, you may be reacting to the constant barrage of negative media messages with milder feelings of concern and insecurity.

Wherever you may be on this continuum of perception and reaction, deliberately shifting your focus to unearth and explore the opportunities inherent in these challenges can help you move from a state of insecurity, powerlessness, or fear into a state of empowerment, inspiration, and action.

Below are 4 steps you can take to help you make this shift:

1. Notice how often you expose yourself to the negative messages of the news media. Try to keep your exposure to a minimum, enough to keep yourself informed, but not so much that it’s feeding your fear over and over again.

2. Make a list of the ways the current crises are impacting you or your life. For example, “I’m worried I’m going to lose my job”, “I have less money to go out to eat”, “Sales are down and business is slow”, “I’ve lost 30% of my retirement savings.”

3. Write down the opportunities inherent in each challenge. Using the examples listed above, your opportunities might include some of these:

Challenge: I’m worried I’m going to lose my job. Opportunity: Get my resume updated and start networking to find that rewarding and fulfilling job I’ve been thinking about pursuing for the last two years.

Challenge: I have less money to go out to eat. Opportunity: Download some new recipes from the internet to expand my cooking skills and start having intimate dinners at home with family and friends.

Challenge: Sales are down and business is slow. Opportunity: Use this slow time to get my office organized, update my marketing materials, and reconnect with past customers I’ve had no time call.

4. Recognize that there are some challenges that are simply beyond your control. For those that are—for example, the decreased value of a home you may own—instead of expending energy worrying and complaining about it, turn your attention to those challenges with opportunities you can act upon.

This article also appeared in the Huffington Post. Click here to go to the Huffington Post article. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lauren-mackler/4-steps-for-turning-chall_b_482336.html

March 8, 2010 | In Article, Uncategorized | No Comments

Alone on February 14? 6 tips to becoming your own Valentine.

Posted by Lauren - 03/01/10 at 09:03:09 am

Valentine’s Day is, for many singles, a holiday to dread instead of one to celebrate. I experienced my own loneliness on more than one Valentine’s Day. Then, several years ago, I had a revelation. I could be my own Valentine!

I know, being your own Valentine might sound like a desperate attempt to soothe the sting of single life. I thought so, too—until I actually experienced it. The first year of becoming my own Valentine, I organized a dinner at a nice restaurant for a group of single men and women. On the invitation I wrote a request: “buy, have gift-wrapped, and bring to dinner a gift for yourself in recognition of the magnificent person you are.”

It was one of my favorite Valentine’s Day celebrations! We took turns opening our gifts and sharing what we admired about ourselves. Some people were moved to tears, as they realized how hard they usually were on themselves.

Since then I’ve celebrated myself every Valentine’s Day—regardless of my relationship status. I do something special like get a massage, take a day trip, or buy a bottle of my favorite champagne. Last year I ordered and had delivered a dozen, long-stemmed roses in a box, with a card to myself that said, “I admire the fabulous woman you are.” For the next couple of weeks I felt infused with love each time I looked at the beautiful roses on my table and the card hung on my refrigerator.

Below are more ways to “become your own Valentine”—all of which will build your self-esteem and a loving relationship with yourself.

Plan a “Self-Celebration” Valentine’s Day pot-luck party. Ask each guest to bring their own favorite food dish and a wrapped gift to give to themselves.
Order in a delicious meal, put on your pajamas, and hunker down with a great book or movie. Some of my favorite Valentine’s Day movies are Trading Places, Mermaids, and The Associate.
Treat a friend, family member, or co-worker to an evening out. Valentine’s Day is a great opportunity to return a kindness or to reconnect with someone you haven’t seen in a while.
Organize a girls’ or guys’ night out that includes something entertaining like karaoke, playing pool, shooting darts, seeing a play, or listening to live music.
Spend the day volunteering. Helping others is gratifying and makes you feel good about yourself. To find opportunities in your city, visit the Single Volunteers Web site.
Attend a social event. If you don’t know of any in your area, do a Google search with the words, “Singles events Valentine’s Day <your city>.” Then click on the links to find an event that sounds appealing.

Ask yourself what you would like, then commit to giving it to yourself. And remember, you always have a choice. You can either spend Valentine’s Day feeling bad, or you can do something that uplifts, nurtures, or delights you.

This article appeared on HealYourLife.com. Click here to see Lauren’s video on HealYourLife.com.

March 1, 2010 | In Article | No Comments

Is the Role You Play Playing with Your Life?

Posted by Lauren - 02/26/10 at 09:02:44 am

Every living system seeks balance. In nature, this process is called homeostasis. Within a family system, homeostasis explains why members adopt certain roles. In healthy families, members take on different roles at various times to meet the family’s needs. But in dysfunctional families, the roles are more rigid. For example, if one parent is addicted to alcohol, the other may be busy providing for the family and seldom home. One child may take on the role of Caretaker, preparing meals for younger siblings while another becomes the Hero—the one who strives to do everything perfectly.

But the family dynamics that shape family roles aren’t limited to severe dysfunctions like substance abuse. One of my coaching clients grew up in a loving, close-knit family in which he was the Hero. Because his parents wanted him to have opportunities they never had, he was expected to get straight A’s, a good education, and a successful career. And while this role enabled him to become an accomplished and wealthy lawyer, his life was falling apart. High blood pressure was causing health problems, workaholism threatened his marriage, and the responsibilities of providing for his elderly parents, an expensive home, and three children in private schools overwhelmed him.

Another example is Casey, who dreamed of becoming a professional photographer. Casey was in a financial-services job she hated, but in which she felt trapped. Growing up, both of her parents struggled to hold down jobs. Casey started babysitting at the age of 12, and had been helping her parents financially ever since. She lived with her boyfriend, who was supporting his ex-wife and son. He was unsupportive of her making a career change, because they needed her income to pay the bills. By continuing to make others’ needs more important than her own, she had unconsciously recreated her family role of Caretaker in her adult relationship.

While our family role may have made sense growing up, it often wreaks havoc in our adult lives. As our primary role takes hold, parts of us become suppressed—parts we need to live a healthy and fulfilling adult life. These can include the part that feels like a worthwhile, deserving person; the part that feels intelligent and competent; the spontaneous, playful part, or the part that can feel and express joy.

If the role you play is sabotaging your life, change the behaviors that reinforce it. If you play the People-pleaser who always says what others expect for approval, start expressing your real thoughts and feelings to others. If you’re the Hero who works relentlessly to achieve, bring fun into your life. Take an improvisational comedy class, do karaoke, visit a water park, or anything else to reclaim your spontaneous, playful part.

Many people’s unhappiness is rooted in the habitual role they play. By consciously shedding your limiting role, not only will you achieve greater well-being, but you’ll reclaim the innate wholeness with which you were born, that’s critical to living a healthy, balanced, and fulfilling life.

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Lauren Mackler is a coach, psychotherapist, and host of the Life Keys radio show on hayhouseradio.com. She’s the author of the international bestseller, Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life. Sign up for her Live Boldly newsletter at www.laurenmackler.com.

February 26, 2010 | In Article | No Comments

Are You Addicted to ‘Gloom and Doom’?

Posted by Lauren - 02/12/10 at 01:02:29 pm

How affirmations really work.

Chronic negative thinking and the emotions it invokes is, like many destructive behaviors, a form of addiction.

An old acquaintance of mine recently wrote an article about positive thinking—a subject that is often misunderstood. For many years I, like many people on the personal-development path, believed that by writing down and repeating positive affirmations (positive statements about yourself or your life, written in the present tense as if they were already true), I would think more positively and the changes I sought in myself and in my life would happen automatically. I hung these inspiring statements up all over my house, memorized them, and repeated them out loud, sometimes as much as 100 times a day. But it seemed that no matter how many times I said them, the changes I hoped to achieve continued to elude me.

It would be nearly 20 years before I finally realized that while affirmations are a powerful tool for clarifying and focusing on what you want, positive action is also required to achieve it. Positive action generates positive thinking, which generates more positive action and positive thinking. Positive action and thinking are a choice, a choice that can be challenging, especially for people who have experienced much suffering and pain in their lives—but it’s still a choice.

For example, you feel lonely and sad, but instead of isolating yourself, you do something positive. Maybe you attend a cooking class, volunteer at a soup kitchen, or go out for a run—something that refocuses your thoughts and produces a more positive experience rather than sitting home alone eating cookies and feeling sorry for yourself.

Chronic negative thinking and the emotions it invokes is, like many destructive behaviors, a form of addiction. People become addicted to habitual, “gloom and doom” thoughts, as well as to the emotions they produce—such as fear and anger. It becomes their comfort zone—it may not be very pleasant, but it’s familiar.

To break this self-defeating addiction, you have to first understand its roots (almost always found in your life conditioning), and consciously change your behaviors and actions to ones that create more positive results. Over time, you’ll build a string of positive experiences that solidifies a new internal reference point and makes a positive mindset in your new habitual way of thinking.

February 12, 2010 | In Article | No Comments

7 Steps To Healthier Relationships

Posted by Lauren - 02/11/10 at 11:02:26 am

Healthy relationships are critical to our well-being, yet many people never learned the skills to cultivate them. Not all people have what it takes to be supportive, and not all unsupportive people can be avoided–for example, family members and co-workers. But the idea is to identify the qualities that support you, spend time with people who demonstrate those qualities, and, as much as possible, avoid people who are detrimental to your well-being.

There are many ways to cultivate healthy relationships, the first of which is to become a supportive friend to others. Below are qualities and behaviors that foster positive relationships that you can develop within yourself and seek out in others.

Be a good sounding board. When a friend wants to talk to you about something he’s going through, the best approach is simply to listen. Don’t offer advice without asking permission, because it may be… Click here to read the entire article.

February 11, 2010 | In Article | No Comments

Alone on February 14?

Posted by Lauren - 02/10/10 at 08:02:58 am

February 10, 2010 | In Article, News | No Comments

Trouble Keeping Your New Year’s Resolutions? Uncover Your Self-Sabotaging Tendencies

Posted by Lauren - 01/29/10 at 01:01:55 pm

At start of a new year, many people make resolutions for change. In fact, many of these are the same ones every year! Yours may be to increase your income, expand your social circle or find your dream job. But the foundation for achieving any goal is the ability to move beyond self-sabotaging patterns to create the results you seek.

In my work, I often talk about how the core beliefs and behaviors adopted in childhood affect our adult lives. Although rooted in the unconscious and hidden from most people, our core beliefs drive our everyday behaviors. And while these beliefs and behaviors allowed us to adapt to our families growing up, they often negate our adult lives. So identifying and shedding your limiting beliefs and behaviors is a critical key to success.

To better understand how your own limiting beliefs and behaviors may be sabotaging your New Year’s resolutions, here are three examples of self-defeating behaviors … Click here to read the entire article on the Huffington Post.

January 29, 2010 | In Article | No Comments

8 Principles of Fun for 2010

Posted by Lauren - 01/19/10 at 03:01:19 pm

During a recent trip to Japan, I realized I wanted more fun in my life. I am, by nature, a fun-loving person. But I’m so energized by my work that it doesn’t feel much like work. That’s a mixed blessing. The good news is that I love what I do. The bad news is that because I enjoy it, I work a lot, leaving little time for simply having fun.

Synchronicity was at work when an old friend suddenly popped back into my life. Since I had seen Lori, she quit her corporate job to launch Tomgirl Tours, an outdoor adventure company dedicated to helping women “do the unthinkable.” Her motivation was to have more fun in her life and help others do the same. Lori shared a video posted on her blog, The Eight Irresistible Principles of Fun, by Michael Bungay Stanier. I loved the video’s message, and felt compelled to share it with others.

I hope you enjoy these 8 Principles of Fun, and are inspired to bring more fun into your own life in 2010 and beyond!

Stop hiding who you really are. Although it feels like the path of least resistance, it actually takes more energy to live from your Conditioned Self than to live authentically—the person you were born to be.

Start being intensely selfish. Many people believe that making themselves the key person in their lives is a bad thing. It’s simply good common sense. After all, you’re the only person who’s with you 24/7 until you draw your last breath.

Stop following the rules. While some rules are necessary and good for us, living a life based on others’ rules, needs, and expectations can stifle your self-expression and creativity, and keep a lid on your potential.

Start scaring yourself. People avoid expanding their comfort zones out of fear, missing out on people and experiences that can enrich their lives. Know that fear is a normal reaction to taking risks and learn how to override them. My article, Manage Fear So It Doesn’t Manage You, can help.

Stop taking it all so damn seriously. Our time on earth is short, and as someone once said, “No one gets out of this alive.” Instead of ruminating about how bad things are, bring laughter into your world and focus on what’s good about your self and your life.

Start getting rid of the crap. Being bogged down by possessions you don’t need can be an energy-drain. Many people go into debt because they buy things to fill the voids in their lives. Clear out clutter that distracts you, and you’ll free up energy to create a life you enjoy.

Stop being busy. Being busy and being productive are not necessarily the same. Many people keep busy to avoid taking action on things they’re afraid to pursue. Identify your priorities and allocate your time and energy to achieving the goals to which you aspire.

Start something. Procrastination is a common reaction to feeling overwhelmed or fear of failure. Instead of taking on too much at once and overwhelming yourself, break things down and take one small action step at a time.

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January 19, 2010 | In Article | 2 Comments

6 Holiday Tips for Staying Sane with Your (Crazy?) Family

Posted by Lauren - 12/10/09 at 09:12:10 am

Out of all the relationships we have in our lives, the ones we share with family members can be the most challenging. And there’s nothing like holiday stress to trigger the old wounds and unresolved issues that plague so many families.

Sharing close, loving, and supportive relationships is a basic human need, yet many of our family relationships fall short of this ideal. Most families have some level of dysfunction, with each member playing his or her part. Becoming aware of your own family dynamics—and consciously changing behavior patterns that create conflict—will help you avoid the interpersonal “land mines” that are often triggered in the midst of holiday stress. Below are some practical tips to help you make the holidays a time of joyful celebration, instead of fodder for unpleasant family feuds.

Know your limits. While some people can enjoy hours, days, or weeks of extended family get-togethers, others’ tolerance may only be a couple of hours. Do an honest assessment of the length of time you can comfortably spend with your family without feeling resentful, overwhelmed, or getting hooked into old, unhealthy dynamics—then stick to that length of time. If you have family relations that are difficult or painful, it may be better to keep the visit brief.

Practice emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence means exercising self-discipline in the middle of an emotional reaction to make a conscious decision about what kind of action you want to take. Family members can invoke your deepest wounds. If someone says something hurtful, instead of reacting in a way that escalates conflict, you can say, “It may not have been you’re intention, but I found what you said hurtful. I’d like us to enjoy our time together, so let’s focus on making it a peaceful and pleasant day.”

Hold a loving focus. If you start to feel judgmental, angry, or upset, ask yourself, “What kind of inner state do I want to have? Do I want to have a junkyard inside of me—full of anger, sadness, and frustration—or do I want to have a beautiful garden inside—full of love, peace, and joy?” Choosing to stay loving, no matter what, can make the difference between having a pleasant family holiday, or one that depletes, saddens, or angers you.

Avoid provocative topics. Holidays are usually not the best time to rehash old wounds or resolve on-going issues. Keep things light and cordial, and defer discussion of potentially contentious topics to another time. Family events often invoke a myriad of complex human emotions—which can be intensified by holiday stress or under the influence of alcohol.

Keep expectations realistic. One way we set ourselves up for feelings of disappointment and anger is by having unrealistic expectations of others. Instead of imposing expectations onto family members, accept them for who they are. Remind yourself that everyone is doing the best they can, and that we all have flaws and limitations. This will help to preserve your relationships, and keep you from running expectations that can’t be met.

Avoid “shoulding” people. Telling your sibling, parent, or child what they “should” or “shouldn’t” do can provoke defensive reactions. Share your own thoughts without running the assumption that you know what’s best for the other person. Even if your insight can be helpful, “shoulding” on people usually creates resistance.

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December 10, 2009 | In Article | No Comments

Illumineer Your Life!

Posted by Lauren - 11/18/09 at 12:11:52 pm

Illumineering™ is a method I developed from my work as a mind-body psychotherapist and coach. It’s a unique integration of what I’ve found to be the three most effective modalities for helping people break free of self-defeating patterns, and create the personal and professional lives they want. It can be used in a variety of settings by professionals certified in the Illumineering™ method, including psychotherapists, clinical psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, and life, career, relationship, and executive coaches.

Illumineering™ is based on the premise that when we’re born, we are whole, integrated human beings with tremendous potential. Growing up, we respond to our life conditioning by adopting habitual thought and behavior patterns, many of which erode our innate wholeness. We carry these patterns into adulthood, and they shape our feelings about ourselves, our relationships, our personal lives, and our careers. Illumineering™ helps people break free of the shackles of their life conditioning, reclaim their innate wholeness, and create the lives to which they aspire.

The three modalities that comprise the Illumineering™ method are family systems work (to identify client blocks and their origins), psychodynamic psychology (to access limiting beliefs and habitual behaviors rooted in the subconscious), and coaching (to identify and implement action-based strategies to override self-defeating patterns, develop a new default operating system, and achieve transformational change).

In my own coaching practice, I offer four types of Illumineering™ Coaching Programs. Below is a description of the programs and the people for whom they’re appropriate.

Illumineering™ Life Coaching: for individuals looking to achieve specific personal goals, address life challenges or transitions, create healthier relationships, or move to the next level of success in their lives.

Illumineering™ Career Coaching: for people in professional transition who want to use their passions, skills, and experience in a new position, career, or business—or entrepreneurs who want to take an existing business to the next level of success.

Illumineering™ Relationship Coaching: for singles seeking a healthy and fulfilling relationship, couples looking to create a more joyful and fulfilling partnership, family members experiencing relationship challenges, or business partners facing interpersonal issues.

Illumineering™ Executive Coaching: for business leaders looking to enhance their leadership skills, achieve new goals in their careers or organizations, or address specific performance challenges.

I’m often asked how Illumineering™ differs from traditional psychotherapy or other coaching methods. Psychotherapy is generally more focused on the present and past, and most practitioners use talk-therapy to help clients process their feelings, or cognitive-behavioral approaches to help them think and behave differently. Coaching is typically more future-oriented, with a focus on identifying client goals and the steps needed to achieve them. Illumineering™ integrates family systems work, psychodynamic psychology, and coaching to identify client blocks at their deepest level, and develop and implement action-based strategies to override these barriers and achieve the results they seek.

When hiring a coach, it’s good to inquire about their training, methodology, and experience. For a check list of what to look for, refer to my article, Tips for Hiring the Right Coach.

© 2009 Lauren Mackler

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© 2009 Lauren Mackler

Lauren Mackler is a coach, psychotherapist, and host of the Life Keys radio show on hayhouseradio.com. She’s the author of the international bestseller, Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life. Sign up for her free Live Boldly newsletter at www.laurenmackler.com.

November 18, 2009 | In Article, Coaching, Illumineering Coaching | No Comments

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