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A New Year’s Recipe for Success

Posted by Lauren - 01/22/11 at 12:01:12 pm

Each January, millions of people resolve to change themselves, their careers, or their relationships. In fact, many of the resolutions they make are identical to the ones they made the previous year! Whether your goal is to make more friends, land a new job, or treat yourself with greater compassion, a critical key to achieving success lies in your ability to activate your potential to create the results you seek.

In my work, I often talk about the power of our life conditioning—the environment in which we were raised, and the role modeling and experiences to which we were exposed while growing up. In response to our life conditioning—and by about the age of seven—we internalize a set of core beliefs about ourselves and the world that embed within our subconscious. Although most people aren’t even aware of them, these core beliefs shape who we become, how we behave, and the lives we live. But while those beliefs and behaviors helped us to function within our families growing up, they often keep a lid on our potential and keep us from achieving what we want as adults.

To achieve your New Year Resolutions—or any other goals you set for yourself—it’s critical to unearth your own limiting beliefs and the self-defeating behaviors that can sabotage your success. Below are two examples of how patterns learned in childhood impact our adult lives:

I’m Not Good Enough

If you were raised in a family where you were frequently criticized, there’s a good chance that one of your core limiting beliefs is: I’m not good enough. In response, you may have adopted the habitual behavior of always flying under the radar and keeping quiet to protect yourself. As an adult, you may withhold your real feelings and needs from your partner, allow others to treat you poorly, or stay in an unsatisfying job out of fear of failure.

I Have No Control

If you tend to be argumentative or overly controlling, the limiting belief: I am powerless and have no control may be at play. You may have had a dominating parent, or gone through a painful event that was beyond your control such as loss of a loved one or a parental divorce. This pattern not only produces unwelcome reactions in others, but it can wreak havoc in people’s lives. Controllers’ energy is often consumed by conflict, and they can have difficulty keeping jobs or maintaining harmonious relationships with others.

To reclaim your potential and develop the inner resources needed to realize your goals, start by being aware of your self-sabotaging patterns. Invoke your inner observer by noticing how you behave on autopilot. Then, without judging yourself, start to unearth the core beliefs that are driving those behaviors. Once you’ve identified your self-defeating patterns, the next step is to replace them with new, self-supporting beliefs and behaviors. With time, perseverance, and patience, the new patterns of thought and behavior will take hold, and give you the inner support you need to pursue and achieve your goals.

To watch Lauren’s video about the critcal factors for success, click here!

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE, BLOG, OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete statement at the end of the article:

© 2011 Lauren Mackler

Lauren Mackler is a world-renowned coach, host of the LIFE KEYS radio show, and author of the international bestseller, Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life. www.laurenmackler.com

The Power of Simplicity

Posted by Lauren - 12/03/10 at 04:12:18 pm

Like many Americans, I grew up believing that more is more—especially during the holidays. Every December our living room was packed with piles of glittering packages, all beautifully prepared by my mother and unwrapped on Christmas morning to shrieks of delight. 

When my own children were born, I wanted to make Christmas more about family than material gifts. My husband had grown up in Germany at the end of the war—when even food was scarce—so he enthusiastically supported my new, less-is-more credo. Our tree was lit with real candles, many of the ornaments were hand-crafted by our children, and each child typically received one main gift and a few smaller trinkets like marbles, a little chunk of amethyst, a hand-carved wooden animal, and a small, hand-embroidered sack of sweets.

While our Christmas tradition remained consistent, my more-is-more conditioning manifested in other ways. Seduced by the American dream, I convinced my husband to sell our “starter home” and buy a five bedroom house in an upscale Boston suburb. And as my husband’s income rose, so did our lifestyle and monthly expenses.

It was only when my marriage collapsed—along with my financial security—that I stopped the “keeping up with the Joneses” race. My children and I went from living in relative luxury as a doctor’s family, to struggling to pay the rent in a small apartment where I slept on a futon on the living room floor. For the first few years, I felt resentful of families living our old, more-is-more lifestyle, and I was wracked with guilt that I couldn’t give my children the nice home and material possessions of their peers.

Over time, I began to embrace our involuntary frugality as an opportunity. As someone who never learned how to manage money, our meager financial resources forced me to adhere to a strict monthly budget. Without the hottest video games and other electronic distractions, my children read voraciously and honed their artistic skills. Having experienced living with and without ample financial means, my children and I developed a more conscious relationship with money. And, most importantly, it taught us to place a higher value on one’s inner condition and character than on outward appearances.     

Although my financial circumstances improved, simplicity has continued as my fundamental way of life. My home, office, and assistant’s office are all within 850 square feet, I drive a small, gas-efficient car, and my material possessions are kept to a minimum. The concept of simplicity is not something new, but rooted in many world wisdoms and traditions. Lao-Tzu said, “He who knows he has enough is rich,” and both the Christians and Buddhists advocated for balance between relentless accumulation and destitution.

A lot has changed over the past 2,000 years. As we, the world, and the way we live have become more complex, we’ve moved further away from living in alignment with our human spirit and with the earth. I believe this failure to live in harmony with our true selves, each other, and the planet is the root of many of today’s epidemics of depression, addiction, greed, financial collapse, and life-threatening illnesses, as well as the increasing incidences of earthquakes, floods, and wildfires.  

The good news is that in response to the dismantling of life as we knew it, more people are choosing—or being forced—to forego the high stress and costs of a consumption-obsessed lifestyle, and live in a more simple and sustainable way. I know many people, including some of my clients, who have used the economic downturn as an opportunity to create a more satisfying life—one that may be more materially modest, but richer in family life, friends, and purpose.

In 1992, some 1,700 of the world’s leading scientists signed an appeal titled, Warning to Humanity. Written by Henry Kendall, it stated, “Human beings and the natural world are on a collision course . . . that may so alter the living world that it will be unable to sustain life in the manner that we know.” About ten years later a similar warning was issued from 100 Nobel Prize winners who claimed, “The most profound danger to world peace in the coming years will stem not from the irrational acts of states or individuals, but from the legitimate demands of the world’s dispossessed.”

It is total madness to think that we can continue to deplete our natural resources and keep living the way we do indefinitely, and a dramatic shift toward a simpler way of life is needed if we and our planet are to survive.

I, for one, will do my part this holiday season. Amidst the holiday clamor, glitz, and television commercials telling me that love equals a big, beautiful pile of glittering gifts, I will remind myself that less truly is more.

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE, BLOG, OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete statement at the end of the article:

© 2010 Lauren Mackler

Lauren Mackler is a world-renowned coach, host of the LIFE KEYS radio show, and author of the international bestseller, Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life. www.laurenmackler.com

From Self-Sabotage to Self-Empowerment

Posted by Lauren - 10/28/10 at 09:10:32 am

Self-empowerment can be defined in many different ways. I define it as knowing who you really are—your strengths and limitations, your interests and passions, and your goals and life purpose—and living a life that honors who you really are. This not only empowers you, but makes you a powerful force out in the world.

We’re all born with innate power, but that power is often diminished by our life conditioning—the role modeling, environment, and experiences we’re exposed to growing up. For example, a little girl might be naturally outgoing and confident, having a grand old time singing and twirling around in her new pretty dress. Then her parent or teacher says, “Quiet down! People don’t like girls who are so full of themselves and loud!” One comment like that can be enough to cause a life-long pattern of suppressing self-expression out of fear of being judged or rejected. Hiding our true thoughts and feelings is just one example of how we give our power away.

Another way that people give away their power is by making others’ approval, needs, or opinions more important than their own. They betray their own truth, experience, and intuition out of fear of not being liked or accepted, but often, that’s just what their approval-seeking behavior produces. People don’t respect chronic “people-pleasers” who lack self-esteem. In fact, more often than not, they take them for granted or even treat them like a doormat, making them feel unvalued or disliked—exactly what the people-pleaser tried hard to avoid.

Honoring who you are and having the courage to do this in your day-to-day life and interactions is not always easy, especially for people whose habitual pattern is to do or say what they think others expect or want. But reclaiming your power by standing up in and for yourself is really the path of least resistance. Constant suppression of your true thoughts, feelings, and needs not only produces feelings of anger and resentment, but it causes internal stress that, over time, can compromise the immune system and make you susceptible to health problems or even life-threatening illnesses.

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE, BLOG, OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete statement at the end of the article:

© 2010 Lauren Mackler

Lauren Mackler is a world-renowned coach, host of the LIFE KEYS radio show, and author of the international bestseller, Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life. www.laurenmackler.com

Are You Living Big or Playing Small?

Posted by Lauren - 10/06/10 at 08:10:39 am

MANY PEOPLE DREAM OF CHANGING THEIR LIVES, but remain stuck in their status quo. They may tell themselves their goals are unrealistic, or tolerate dissatisfying situations because they feel undeserving of anything better. Each of us is born with tremendous potential, but it becomes buried beneath self-defeating beliefs and behaviors rooted in childhood, that we keep perpetuating in our adult lives.

Living boldly means living a life in which your innate potential is liberated, and you’re free to realize your greatest dreams. Instead of being trapped in a life full of excuses and frustration, you’re actively creating a life that you love…To read the entire article click here.

Doing the Work You Were Born to Do

Posted by Lauren - 09/12/10 at 08:09:03 am

Even people fortunate enough to have a job in today’s economy are unhappy at work. According to a recent survey by the Conference Board, less than half of American workers experience job satisfaction—the lowest level recorded by the research group in 22 years.

The drop in workers’ satisfaction is due in part to the worst recession since the 1930s, which has caused more people to accept jobs unsuitable to their skills and experience. But job dissatisfaction has been on the rise for more than two decades—a trend that diminishes people’s quality of life, and can even shorten their lives. Chronic job dissatisfaction increases the risk of burnout, stress, anxiety, and depression—all of which can weaken the immune system and increase susceptibility to illness.

Over the years, I’ve worked with hundreds of clients suffering from job dissatisfaction. Symptoms range from decreased motivation or boredom, to more serious forms like depression, anxiety, headaches, intestinal problems, back pain, or poor job performance leading to termination.

While today’s economy has exacerbated job dissatisfaction, the twenty-two-year decline in workers’ happiness indicates a deeper issue. Many people are unhappy at work because they never learned how to choose a career that’s the right fit with who they are. With over 600 career choices, it’s no wonder that people find choosing a profession overwhelming and stressful. And because they don’t know how to align what they do with their strengths and interests, they often end up in the wrong careers. Perhaps they had an internship that morphed into a job, followed a parent into a family business, chose jobs based on money or others’ expectations, or fell into a career because they didn’t know what else to do.

Below are some questions you can ask yourself to get greater clarity about the career that best leverages your personality, strengths, and passions, and will make going to work a joy, instead of a daily source of dread.

What are my innate qualities? A job that requires you to work against your nature is stressful and painful. For example, if you’re naturally innovative, but your work is concentrated on routine tasks, you’ll feel bored and unfulfilled. Or if you’re people-oriented but you spend your day alone in your office, the lack of human interaction can make you depressed. Everyone has innate personality traits, and it’s important to know your own. A great resource is the MBTI personality assessment, based upon the work of Dr. Carl Jung.

What are my strengths? Strengths are things that you not only do well, but that you also enjoy doing. I have a career coaching client right now who’s a Partner at one of the world’s top consulting firms. Although he’s very successful and skilled in his job, it’s work he disdains and feels desperate to discontinue. To identify your strengths, make a list of every skill and area of expertise you have. Then go through the list and check off each one that you not only do well, but that you also truly enjoy using.

What are my interests? Work that ignites your passions makes your job interesting and exciting. Notice what moves you, what interests you, or what you often daydream about. Maybe you’re always trying to get your friends to recycle. Or you spend all your free time sailing, baking, or building furniture. Or you’re moved to tears by stories about human or animal rights. To start identifying your passions, make a list of 5 things that often capture your attention or invoke strong feelings inside of you.

What contribution do I want to make in the world? Your contribution is the overall impact you’d like to achieve. In my own career, I do a variety of things. I coach individual clients, host a radio show, facilitate workshops, consult to companies, and give keynote presentations. But the underlying contribution in all of these activities is helping people liberate their potential and achieve their goals. To identify your contribution, ask yourself: If I were fearlessly living my ideal life and expressing my full potential, what contribution would I most want to make?

Answering these questions can be challenging, especially if you’ve lived life based on others’ expectations. In this case, you may need to get out and experience new things to get more information about your strengths and interests. Aligning what you do with who you are requires commitment, effort, and perseverance. But the rewards are well worth it. Not only will it enhance the quality of your life, it may even prolong it.  

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE, BLOG, OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete statement at the end of the article:

© 2010 Lauren Mackler

Lauren Mackler is a world-renowned coach, host of the LIFE KEYS radio show, and author of the international bestseller, Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life. www.laurenmackler.com

Is Your Inner Child Under the Weather?

Posted by Lauren - 09/09/10 at 07:09:40 am

5 Steps to Getting Unstuck

Posted by Lauren - 07/19/10 at 10:07:16 am

Feeling stuck or unable to accomplish your goals? Change can be difficult, and many people lose motivation to achieve their goals. When you slip up, just think of it as course-correcting. Welcome the challenge—it means that you’re taking charge of your life! Don’t judge yourself. Instead, treat yourself with compassion, and determine what’s needed to get back on course.

Below are some pitfalls people encounter and practical strategies to override them.

Prioritize and focus. If you feel overwhelmed, you may be trying to achieve too much at once. Step back and look at your goals. If you’re doing too much, it’s time to reprioritize. Maybe you need to work on two goals instead of three. Or maybe one of your goals requires a lot of steps, so it’s taking up all your energy. Identify the goals that are most important to you. If you need to, just focus on one goal at a time and don’t move on to the next one until the first one is complete.

Encourage yourself. People become discouraged when they listen to their “inner critic”—the voice that says: “You’ll never make it.” “It’s hopeless.” “This is too hard.” Whatever that voice is saying, articulate a response, drawing from the part of you that feels strong and confident. Be your own cheerleader. Review your accomplishments; remind yourself of what you’re capable of doing and being. Instead of focusing on the old voice that drags you down, actively support and listen to the part that believes you can achieve what you want.

Solicit support from others. You’re more likely to slip up when you’re trying to accomplish your goals by yourself. It may be that you don’t have an outer support system in place to help you maintain focus and provide the external encouragement everyone needs. Outer supports might include a trusted friend, a coach or therapist, or a support group. Avoid situations that trigger sabotaging patterns. For example, if you eat junk food when you’re feeling lonely, scheduling activities with others will help you bypass the old trigger and remain on-course.

Practice good self-care. Taking good care of yourself is key to achieving your goals. A lack of energy typically relates to a failure to sustain your inner support system, which provides the physical, emotional, and mental energy needed to achieve your goals. If you’re eating poorly, neglecting your health, or living a high-stress lifestyle, you’re depleting your inner resources. That will make it difficult to maintain the energy you need to participate fully and actively in your life.

Love and respect yourself. If you don’t have a loving relationship with yourself, it’s hard to sustain the motivation to take action and make good choices for yourself. Loving yourself compels you to make lifestyle choices that make you feel good and generate the results you want. If you feel unmotivated, revisit your relationship with yourself and make a conscious effort to treat yourself with respect, love, and compassion—just like you would treat a close and cherished friend.

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE, BLOG, OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete statement at the end of the article:

© 2010 Lauren Mackler

Lauren Mackler is a coach and host of the Life Keys radio show on Hay House Radio. She’s the author of the international bestseller, Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life. www.laurenmackler.com

Managing Up

Posted by Lauren - 06/06/10 at 12:06:59 pm

There are many seminars, books, and articles about how to be an effective leader. But what is often missing from these resources is how to strategically shape and manage relationships with superiors. As a result, many people harbor feelings of stress, overwhelm, frustration, or resentment toward their boss, but keep them hidden for fear of reprisal. Over time, their motivation and performance diminish, putting their job at risk.

Below are some practical strategies for building a mutually productive and respectful relationship with your boss, managing expectations and workloads, and positioning yourself as an exceptional leader within your organization.

Understand your boss’s work style and preferences. Is your boss formal or informal? Does he like to be briefed in writing before meetings or prefer to brainstorm issues with you? Is your supervisor a hands-on manager who likes to be consulted about issues as they arise, or will regular and informal updates make your boss think you aren’t taking the lead in performing your managerial role? While you might think your manager would be pleased that you keep her in the loop, his work style may value a manager who acts more autonomously. Pay attention to the differences in your work style and your boss’s style. Where possible, make adjustments to be consistent in style, eliminating unnecessary annoyances that can build into real miscommunications.

Know what matters to your boss. If your boss is a numbers person, quantify your results. And know which numbers matter most to her. If your boss is a customer-is-first kind of person, frame all your results in terms of benefits to customers.

Communicate like your boss. If your boss likes daily e-mails, send them. If your boss wants a once-a-week summary, then do that. Convey information to your boss in the way she likes, so she’s more likely to retain it. Be aware of detail preferences. Some people like a lot and some people like less. A good way to figure out what your boss wants is to watch how she communicates with you. She’s probably doing it the way she likes best.

Plan and organize your meetings to optimize your time together. Keep a running list of follow up and action items to discuss with your boss.

Learn to say no. Say yes to the things that matter most to your boss. So when he asks you to do something that you don’t have time to do, ask your boss about his priorities. Let him know that you want to make sure you finish what is most important, and this will probably mean saying no to the lesser projects.

Toot your own horn. Each time you do something that impacts the company, let your boss know. Leave a voicemail announcing a project has been completed. Send a congratulation e-mail to your team and copy your boss, which not only draws attention to your project success, but also to your leadership skills. Send a monthly overview of your completions and accomplishments, retaining an electronic file to use for performance review time.

Build a relationship with your boss. If all things are equal, your boss will cater to the person she likes the best. So go out to lunch and talk about what interests her. Connect with her by asking her for advice on something about work. If you are very different than your boss, work hard to find common ground in your conversations.

Seek new responsibilities. Find important holes in your department before your boss notices them. Take responsibility for filling those holes and your boss will appreciate not only your foresight, but also your ability to take initiative.

Be curious. Remember to make time to listen and ask good questions. You will make yourself more interesting to be around, and you will elicit fresh ideas from everyone around you. Your boss will feel like having you on the team improves everyone’s work, even his own, and that, after all, is your primary job in managing up.

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE, BLOG, OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete statement at the end of the article:

© 2010 Lauren Mackler

Lauren Mackler is a coach, keynote speaker, and training facilitator. She’s the author of the international bestseller, Solemate, and co-author of Speaking of Success with Jack Canfield and Stephen Covey. For info about her coaching services or training programs, contact her through her web site at www.laurenmackler.com.

A New View of Aloneness

Posted by Lauren - 05/01/10 at 06:05:37 am

Although being single is more accepted than it was 30 years ago, there’s still a mindset that if you don’t have a mate, there must be something wrong with you. Many people still believe that marriage is the ideal lifestyle, and we’re barraged by music and movies espousing romantic love as the answer. It’s difficult to even imagine a movie that ends with the star living contently alone instead of living happily-ever-after with a mate. The classic line in the film Jerry Maguire—“You complete me”—reinforces what many singles believe: If I can find a mate, I’ll be happy. And if I can’t, I’m in trouble.

If you’re alone and believe that “there must be something wrong with me” it will have an enormous impact on your life. You may actually be setting yourself up for rejection because other people are less likely to be drawn to someone lacking self-confidence. And feelings of low self-worth may cause you to withdraw from the very people and activities that can enrich your life. Loneliness then becomes a self-perpetuating and self-fulfilling prophecy.

If you want to live a happier life alone, you have to believe that you can. Instead of viewing aloneness as a source of loneliness and pain, think of it as one of freedom and opportunity. To reframe negative perceptions, write down the challenges of your aloneness. Your list might include things like: “I make others’ needs more important than my own,” or “I feel insecure around people I don’t know.” Identify whatever holds you back from reaching your fullest potential. Now next to each challenge, write down the opportunity it presents. Based on my examples, these might include, “Learn how to set healthy boundaries with people” and “Develop greater self-confidence around people.”

Next, start turning those opportunities into action. Here’s an example: Let’s say you have a free Saturday. You can look at it from two perspectives. You can stay home feeling sorry for yourself because you have nothing to do. Or you can look at it differently: “I have a free day to do anything I want. I can go to the gym, call a friend and go to the movies, work in my garden, or read a great novel.” Then do something that something that truly engages you.

As you take steps toward mastering aloneness, recognize that you’ll slip up. Imagine how a smoker quits smoking. He throws away that first pack of cigarettes. Then he might weaken and buy another pack, then just smoke a few cigarettes, then give it up for another few weeks, then start up again. And one day, he’s just done with it. Like quitting smoking, mastering aloneness is about changing habitual patterns of thought and behavior. Be gentle with yourself. When you slip up, think of it as getting more information about what doesn’t work for you. Committing to mastering the art of aloneness means realizing that you will slip up; treating yourself with compassion when you do, and then moving forward in becoming the person you were born to be. To view Lauren’s video interview, A New View of Aloneness, click here.

© 2010 Lauren Mackler

The Three Levels of Creation

Posted by Lauren - 04/07/10 at 11:04:39 am

You create nearly all of your life experiences—although you may be unaware of the role you play in their creation. There are three ways we generate our experiences: creating, promoting, and allowing. I first heard this concept at an Insight workshop in 1982, and it’s a valuable tool for recognizing the role you play in creating your life. By looking at events through this lens, you can see how your actions influence them.

Here’s an example. You’re going to a ball game with a friend, and you’re both standing in line to get your tickets. A teenager cuts in front of you and it turns into a confrontation. Below are behaviors that depict the three types of creation.

Creating. You say something hostile to the teenager. “Hey, kid, this is a line. Step to the back.” And his father, who was holding his place, screams at you: “Hey, shut up!” It escalates into a fight and you get hurt. You initiated that situation through your words—you created the situation.

Promoting. Your friend, who’s in line with you, is the one who says, “Hey, kid, get in back.” The boy’s father screams at your friend: “Shut up, you idiot!” Your friend threatens to punch him and you say to your friend, “Yeah, smack him!” It turns into a fight and your friend gets hurt. You promoted that situation by encouraging your friend to attack the other person, thereby helping to create it.

Allowing. Another bystander steps up to the teenager, pushes him out of line and says, “Hey, kid, you broke into this line.” A scuffle ensues and the teenager gets hurt. You stand by and take no action to stop it. By doing nothing, you’re allowing that situation to unfold.

Take any situation in which you felt victimized. If you look carefully at the situation, most of the time you’ll find it relates to something you did or said—or failed to say or do. Your actions created the situation, promoted it, or allowed it. These three levels of creation are effective tools for understanding your past, and recognizing how the law of cause and effect plays a major role in your life.

To see the role you played in a situation, ask yourself: What did I do to create the situation, to promote it, or to allow it? Once you start looking at the world this way, you’ll get a clearer picture of the role you play in every situation of your life. As events unfold, be aware of your actions. With everything you do, ask yourself: What is this the result I want to achieve? One note: As you go through this self-evaluation process, don’t beat yourself up for situations you’ve created, promoted, or allowed. Remember, we’re all doing the best we can at any given moment. By understanding your actions and taking greater responsibility for your behavior, you’ll begin to see that you are, indeed, the creator of your own life.

© 2010 Lauren Mackler
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE, BLOG, OR WEB SITE?

You can, as long as you include this complete statement at the end of the article:

© 2010 Lauren Mackler

Lauren Mackler is a coach, psychotherapist, and host of the Life Keys radio show on hayhouseradio.com. She’s the author of the international bestseller, Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life. Sign up for her Live Boldly newsletter at www.laurenmackler.com.

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